Another False Start, Another New Beginning

Twenty plus days have gone by without one peep out of me in this BIG Fearless Painting adventure. Not one. I crawled into a hole, buried myself and couldn't find my way out.  Why?  I let everything and everyone push me, hold me, and abuse me once again.  I really let myself listen to all the wrong messages. Excuses galore I know.  It seemed the harder I tried to change my mindset, the louder the negativity kept me buried.  Gloom and doom from the past to the present.

As the days were slipping away with no attempt at all to approach BIG, the darker I was feeling. I let Connie down.  I let the Tribe down.  I am so far behind that any contribution now would be fruitless.  Excuses.  Intimidation haunts me.  The Tribe is so talented, so insightful, that who gives a crap what I have to say?  All these famous artists that Connie talks about...well, let's just say that I hated art in school.  Except coloring in a coloring book.  Art in school was awful. I couldn't draw, I hated spinning clay--yuck!

Fast forward to rubber stamping.  I love to color.  I may not be the perfect colorer--I still can't make a decent light source appear and shade the way I want.  But...I feel true joy when I stamp and color.

Perfectionism stands in my way throughout my life.  Where did I learn that?  Why do I still cling to it?

Well, yesterday I sat my ass down and wandered back to Connie's Dirtyfootprints site to see who I missed on the 30 Journal Days posts.  Effy Wild.  Wow, many parallels in her life to mine.  But look...she has that positive spring in her step.  I want that.  She is not wallowing in self-pity, she is being BIG.  She is moving beyond the doom and gloom.  She isn't letting perfectionism or intimidation get in her way.

To Effy:  You changed me.  I don't know exactly what you said but maybe it really wasn't the actual words but the authentic and positive light you shine.  Thank you!

Without revisiting BIG's gallery or videos for Week 1, I relied on memory of the assignments.  I went over to the table (which has been set up since day 1--complete with a blank BIG piece of paper).  I took a tube of black paint, and squirted it right onto the paper.  No palette for me.  I just knew I wanted that black and I wanted it all over the paper!  Then came red.  Bright red, randomly painted it on.  Then the orange and the yellow.  I hate waiting for paint to dry and I loved how the yellow messed with the black.  I absolutely love this piece!!  When I did that piece, the critic was quiet.  Or...if he was talking, I tuned him out.

Next was the line painting.  The critic was talking but I kept going.  Sometimes I found myself listening because I found at the end, this piece is not me.

The third one was the clock and wings image.  Throughout the day, this image was in my head. I have this rubber stamp made by The Stamp in the Hand.  Since it was so much on my mind, I thought that is what I needed to paint.  While this image speaks to me in a stamped project, it did not translate to paint. The critic was getting louder and the more I listened, the more I wanted to just crumble this piece. I couldn't wait to call this done.

Connie says mistakes are telling us something.  That dang Connie is so right!!!  I made a stray black mark (remember I hate to wait for paint to dry) on that girl's cheek.  I wanted to fix it but the gesso was a walk away so I used good ol' white paint. Well, if black is still not dry, white will make a bigger mess!  So, out come the oil pastels, more mess.  But, I let it go.  Connie's voice emerged to say, it's OK, just leave it.

I did.  After this painting dried, I looked at it again. I think this painting say a lot about me. That girl is feeling boxed in, bruised, and uncertain.  But she uses the wings (yes, those are wings--LOL!) to rise above the past, the time constraints of family, single parenting, and full-time employment.  The bruise is healing and if I continue to let myself make art mistakes, something wonderful is waiting for me.  Wow, even I can say that was powerful!

So, onto the last painting for my Week 1.  It is the five year old painting.  This piece makes me happy too.  The background colors are warm. I love the sun and the warmth it brings me. The flowers--I love to doodle these flowers.  I have doodled these since grade school and you can still find me doing them while attending a boring meeting at work.

That was yesterday.  I was expecting to sit here today and answer the specific questions from Week 1 but I guess my head had other plans!  Hey...I can say that I ignored the critic!  How exciting!  I am pumped now!

I love you Connie for sharing your life with us in the Tribe.  And to Effy..you have changed my life in just one day of knowing you.  I look forward to getting to know you better in the future.

Part Two--
I just wanted to blab about Week 2.  Isn't there some kind of saying that implies things will come to you when you are ready?  If not, I'm saying it then...Things will come to you when you are ready, by Julie Frokjer.

So, yesterday Effy entered my life and showed me how to quit living in the past.  That, even at 47, I can still have fun and I don't have to be an old frump.  Is that even a word?  Frump...a dull person who can't get over herself. 

As usual, I get up to my cup of coffee and cigarette and hop on the computer to read email. There is an email from Yuri Elkaim about a new message and video on his site regarding your environment and peers.  He lets us know that who you surround yourself with often turns you into the same.  For example, if your parents were overweight, chances are that you will be also.  But, he mentions that this is also true for our mindset as well.

How many times have I surrounded myself with negative people?  Hmmmm...I can't remember my life any different.

While I have always known that being around positive people keeps you positive and vice versus, it wasn't until Yuri told it to my face today that brings it to the surface.  Sheesh, here I am missing out on the positive people I could have in my life!  Back to BIG I go...

I watched the videos for Week 2.  As I watched the videos on the different featured artists that Connie supplied to us, there was a strange feeling in my stomach.  The critic went to sleep. What woke up was a more authentic me.

Here I was feeling intimidated that I couldn't paint because I couldn't draw.  I thought more about yesterday's paintings. Which painting brought me the most joy? The first one. I didn't draw a lick--I painted from my heart and it felt like me.  I had watched some of those artist videos before but I didn't feel anything.  Today was different.  Those abstract paintings made more sense to me than people.  I think that's what you call an "Aha" moment.

So, I'm off to start on that memory painting and I have a memory that made me smile in younger years. Here's to starting my venture in being BIG!

New Friends

Well, I wasn't really planning on adopting new friends so soon after losing my beloved; however, a picture in the online newspaper ad just pulled at my heartstrings.  These two were being given up because one of the family members developed severe allergies.  Both dogs appear to be healthy and were vet-checked just last Monday.  They are both purebred Cavalier King Charles Spaniels which did raise some red flags with me because they are known to have a lot of health issues.  But, if you know me, I tend to gravitate toward the ones who are most unlikely to be wanted.

Axel is the black and tan one.  He is 3 years old and is a bit on the chubby side so the previous owners did recently start him on a diet.  That, however, has raised some concerns with me as he apparently has some food aggression issues.  He has to be monitored or he will steal everyone elses food and treats.  I guess I will have my work cut out for me there because I won't tolerate that behavior.  He has no knowledge of what "leave it" means.

Diesel is the red one.  He is 1 years old and still has a bit of puppy in him.  He loves to play and get a lot of attention.  I suppose since Axel is the elder, he is used to being submissive to him and readily gives up his treats or bones to Axel. 

Although they both seem to know a few basic commands, they do not walk well on a leash.  The previous owners also crated these dogs a lot--all day during work and at night.  While I believe in crate training, this seems a bit excessive to me.

I know some behavior changes are needed and I know I need to let them adjust.  We will learn to get along. They are very friendly and love attention!  Oh, and Axel snores--yes, who needs a husband when you have a dog who snores!  LOL!!

BIG Opened Today!

I can't tell you how excited I am to be a part of Dirtyfootprints' BIG Workshop.  Connie is a very gifted teacher who just naturally brings a smile to my face.  Although BIG is closed to participants, please save the link on the side and watch for her next offering.  You won't want to miss it!

While the workshop doesn't start until July 4th, Connie gave us some assignments to complete before we officially started.  In addition to gathering our supplies, she wants us to journal throughout this workshop and that part starts now.  Connie didn't expect us to put our entries out in public, but as I've stated when I started this blog, I wanted this to be a place to be vulnerable. 

This week's journal entries were written first in a plain, regular journal but I'll copy it here so that you actually can read it.

"Here it is a quiet Sunday morning on June 27, 2010. Connie has opened the BIG ning network.  Of course, she was all ready for us!  Videos were posted offering her thanks, excitement, and welcomes to all of us participants to embrace.

Connie has emphasized that this is not about the final painting or product but it is the process we will go through while creating.  We need to listen because each painting has a message to give us.

Pause for this brief interruption...Dusty, I so miss you!  Sitting on the deck here is just not the same. I keep looking at your chair--wishing you would appear.  Morgan is trying to comfort me but it's not the same. (I knew I should have left the make-up off today!)  I signed up for this class the day before you crossed the bridge.  There is something telling me now that may be you, Dusty, played a part in that. I admired you for how genuine you were.  You could smother me with affection or you could be aloof. All without feeling guilty. You provided me with unconditional love that was more genuine than any person I have encountered. In honor of you, Dust-Muffet, I'm taking this next journey. I know you'll be with me.

Ok, back to our scheduled program...Connie asked us to journal and told us that this is important as we go along.  Onto the prompts...

What does going BIG look and feel like to me?  My initial intention was to be a Fearless Artist. I have never felt I was good enough to be called an artist.  Already though, I feel a shift in that.  Yes, I do want to paint and not feel that critic say such harsh words.  But, today, I feel it's more about being genuine. It's about listening to me--hearing my own voice. Are you in there?

I have spent my life with a 20-story brick fortress around myself. People can peek in but they have never been able to enter.  Critters enter. They are the only ones who have not been judgmental. They don't care that 20 lbs. have appeared this year or that I got the worst haircut of my life a few weeks ago.  They don't care if my art is not worthy of a gallery.

There are probably people out there with those qualities but the brick fortress never opens enough to find out.

What scares me about BIG? Being vulnerable. Period. It means removing bricks. It's a tall order for me and will require one hell of a big ladder! It also means confronting the critic--both internal and the external. I'm also afraid of really being awful at this.  Dusty, can I call on you to protect me from the negativity?  Thanks my love.  Do you want a treat? I know you have an endless supply in heaven! :)

What excites me about BIG? New friends. A new experience with paint. A commitment that may be an everlasting one. A new me! A genuine me. More trusting and vulnerable. Less judgmental about myself.

What BIG things in my life have I done already? I have two wonderful kids who love me and make me so proud to be their mother. My two odd cats--Morgan, who was a stray wandering around my parents' home. He is the most loving cat who purrs loudly but cannot meow except when he's angry.  And Megan, the little misfit with no tail, that came home with us from Marketfest. After having her for a month, she had a severe seizure and went blind. She continued to have short seizures...until Dusty came into our lives. Now, she rarely has one. You are such a great healer to all of us. I hope you know how much magic you brought into our home.

I left a physically abusive relationship. While that may be over for me, it has left scars which are many stories tall on that fortress. Another few stories of bricks contain relationships that were not happy either.

I have a good daytime job. I'm respected and actually I'm pretty confident in my abilities. I don't know why I tend to be two different people in my life. Is it the repetition of the daily work or am I able to leave that critic at the door each morning?

What BIG things do I dream of doing?  Seeing my kids be successful in whatever they choose to do that makes them happy.  Retiring in Arizona...snow free of course...picturing a double-wide trailer, a piece of dirt to put it on and a big ol' cactus in the yard. More immediate is to see where Connie and BIG will take me in my art and me as a person.  Live BIG!"

Now...off to fix this face.  Mascara dried to my cheeks is not what I had in mind this morning!  Thanks Connie for creating this journey.  And thanks to anyone else who has read this all the way to the end!

True to You Class - Lesson 2

Lesson 2 was all about making collages.  I love to use up little bits laying around.  I think I'll keep the original intact here and use it as a Masterboard.  Since I have it scanned in, I can make a copy of it and use it in a variety of ways (i.e., in my art journal, a background for a card, a scrapbook page, etc.).  What's better than a piece that can used in a variety of ways?  This is really an enjoyable class.  If you are interested in knowing more about Sami's class, see the link on the side bar.

Happy Father's Day to all the great dads out there!

A Loving Tribute Begins

DUSTY

May 18, 2005 - June 19, 2010

While I'm starting the blog with a heavy heart, it seems to be tugging at me today to just do it.  It was an awful day yesterday when I lost my beloved Dusty.  I don't think I stopped crying all day and it's hard today to choke back the tears.  I awoke to Morgan's kisses, and looked behind my legs to find you were not snuggled there this morning.  I miss you terribly Peanut but I know that God has healed you and you are probably up and playing with those big dogs that you love.  I can hear your squeals of joy as you find new friends.

This blog is my tribute to you, Dusty.  You have provided me with the most love anyone could possibly ask for. I will miss sitting on the deck with you, taking you for walks, and most of all your cuddles of unconditional love.