Another False Start, Another New Beginning

Twenty plus days have gone by without one peep out of me in this BIG Fearless Painting adventure. Not one. I crawled into a hole, buried myself and couldn't find my way out.  Why?  I let everything and everyone push me, hold me, and abuse me once again.  I really let myself listen to all the wrong messages. Excuses galore I know.  It seemed the harder I tried to change my mindset, the louder the negativity kept me buried.  Gloom and doom from the past to the present.

As the days were slipping away with no attempt at all to approach BIG, the darker I was feeling. I let Connie down.  I let the Tribe down.  I am so far behind that any contribution now would be fruitless.  Excuses.  Intimidation haunts me.  The Tribe is so talented, so insightful, that who gives a crap what I have to say?  All these famous artists that Connie talks about...well, let's just say that I hated art in school.  Except coloring in a coloring book.  Art in school was awful. I couldn't draw, I hated spinning clay--yuck!

Fast forward to rubber stamping.  I love to color.  I may not be the perfect colorer--I still can't make a decent light source appear and shade the way I want.  But...I feel true joy when I stamp and color.

Perfectionism stands in my way throughout my life.  Where did I learn that?  Why do I still cling to it?

Well, yesterday I sat my ass down and wandered back to Connie's Dirtyfootprints site to see who I missed on the 30 Journal Days posts.  Effy Wild.  Wow, many parallels in her life to mine.  But look...she has that positive spring in her step.  I want that.  She is not wallowing in self-pity, she is being BIG.  She is moving beyond the doom and gloom.  She isn't letting perfectionism or intimidation get in her way.

To Effy:  You changed me.  I don't know exactly what you said but maybe it really wasn't the actual words but the authentic and positive light you shine.  Thank you!

Without revisiting BIG's gallery or videos for Week 1, I relied on memory of the assignments.  I went over to the table (which has been set up since day 1--complete with a blank BIG piece of paper).  I took a tube of black paint, and squirted it right onto the paper.  No palette for me.  I just knew I wanted that black and I wanted it all over the paper!  Then came red.  Bright red, randomly painted it on.  Then the orange and the yellow.  I hate waiting for paint to dry and I loved how the yellow messed with the black.  I absolutely love this piece!!  When I did that piece, the critic was quiet.  Or...if he was talking, I tuned him out.

Next was the line painting.  The critic was talking but I kept going.  Sometimes I found myself listening because I found at the end, this piece is not me.

The third one was the clock and wings image.  Throughout the day, this image was in my head. I have this rubber stamp made by The Stamp in the Hand.  Since it was so much on my mind, I thought that is what I needed to paint.  While this image speaks to me in a stamped project, it did not translate to paint. The critic was getting louder and the more I listened, the more I wanted to just crumble this piece. I couldn't wait to call this done.

Connie says mistakes are telling us something.  That dang Connie is so right!!!  I made a stray black mark (remember I hate to wait for paint to dry) on that girl's cheek.  I wanted to fix it but the gesso was a walk away so I used good ol' white paint. Well, if black is still not dry, white will make a bigger mess!  So, out come the oil pastels, more mess.  But, I let it go.  Connie's voice emerged to say, it's OK, just leave it.

I did.  After this painting dried, I looked at it again. I think this painting say a lot about me. That girl is feeling boxed in, bruised, and uncertain.  But she uses the wings (yes, those are wings--LOL!) to rise above the past, the time constraints of family, single parenting, and full-time employment.  The bruise is healing and if I continue to let myself make art mistakes, something wonderful is waiting for me.  Wow, even I can say that was powerful!

So, onto the last painting for my Week 1.  It is the five year old painting.  This piece makes me happy too.  The background colors are warm. I love the sun and the warmth it brings me. The flowers--I love to doodle these flowers.  I have doodled these since grade school and you can still find me doing them while attending a boring meeting at work.

That was yesterday.  I was expecting to sit here today and answer the specific questions from Week 1 but I guess my head had other plans!  Hey...I can say that I ignored the critic!  How exciting!  I am pumped now!

I love you Connie for sharing your life with us in the Tribe.  And to Effy..you have changed my life in just one day of knowing you.  I look forward to getting to know you better in the future.

Part Two--
I just wanted to blab about Week 2.  Isn't there some kind of saying that implies things will come to you when you are ready?  If not, I'm saying it then...Things will come to you when you are ready, by Julie Frokjer.

So, yesterday Effy entered my life and showed me how to quit living in the past.  That, even at 47, I can still have fun and I don't have to be an old frump.  Is that even a word?  Frump...a dull person who can't get over herself. 

As usual, I get up to my cup of coffee and cigarette and hop on the computer to read email. There is an email from Yuri Elkaim about a new message and video on his site regarding your environment and peers.  He lets us know that who you surround yourself with often turns you into the same.  For example, if your parents were overweight, chances are that you will be also.  But, he mentions that this is also true for our mindset as well.

How many times have I surrounded myself with negative people?  Hmmmm...I can't remember my life any different.

While I have always known that being around positive people keeps you positive and vice versus, it wasn't until Yuri told it to my face today that brings it to the surface.  Sheesh, here I am missing out on the positive people I could have in my life!  Back to BIG I go...

I watched the videos for Week 2.  As I watched the videos on the different featured artists that Connie supplied to us, there was a strange feeling in my stomach.  The critic went to sleep. What woke up was a more authentic me.

Here I was feeling intimidated that I couldn't paint because I couldn't draw.  I thought more about yesterday's paintings. Which painting brought me the most joy? The first one. I didn't draw a lick--I painted from my heart and it felt like me.  I had watched some of those artist videos before but I didn't feel anything.  Today was different.  Those abstract paintings made more sense to me than people.  I think that's what you call an "Aha" moment.

So, I'm off to start on that memory painting and I have a memory that made me smile in younger years. Here's to starting my venture in being BIG!