BIG Opened Today!

I can't tell you how excited I am to be a part of Dirtyfootprints' BIG Workshop.  Connie is a very gifted teacher who just naturally brings a smile to my face.  Although BIG is closed to participants, please save the link on the side and watch for her next offering.  You won't want to miss it!

While the workshop doesn't start until July 4th, Connie gave us some assignments to complete before we officially started.  In addition to gathering our supplies, she wants us to journal throughout this workshop and that part starts now.  Connie didn't expect us to put our entries out in public, but as I've stated when I started this blog, I wanted this to be a place to be vulnerable. 

This week's journal entries were written first in a plain, regular journal but I'll copy it here so that you actually can read it.

"Here it is a quiet Sunday morning on June 27, 2010. Connie has opened the BIG ning network.  Of course, she was all ready for us!  Videos were posted offering her thanks, excitement, and welcomes to all of us participants to embrace.

Connie has emphasized that this is not about the final painting or product but it is the process we will go through while creating.  We need to listen because each painting has a message to give us.

Pause for this brief interruption...Dusty, I so miss you!  Sitting on the deck here is just not the same. I keep looking at your chair--wishing you would appear.  Morgan is trying to comfort me but it's not the same. (I knew I should have left the make-up off today!)  I signed up for this class the day before you crossed the bridge.  There is something telling me now that may be you, Dusty, played a part in that. I admired you for how genuine you were.  You could smother me with affection or you could be aloof. All without feeling guilty. You provided me with unconditional love that was more genuine than any person I have encountered. In honor of you, Dust-Muffet, I'm taking this next journey. I know you'll be with me.

Ok, back to our scheduled program...Connie asked us to journal and told us that this is important as we go along.  Onto the prompts...

What does going BIG look and feel like to me?  My initial intention was to be a Fearless Artist. I have never felt I was good enough to be called an artist.  Already though, I feel a shift in that.  Yes, I do want to paint and not feel that critic say such harsh words.  But, today, I feel it's more about being genuine. It's about listening to me--hearing my own voice. Are you in there?

I have spent my life with a 20-story brick fortress around myself. People can peek in but they have never been able to enter.  Critters enter. They are the only ones who have not been judgmental. They don't care that 20 lbs. have appeared this year or that I got the worst haircut of my life a few weeks ago.  They don't care if my art is not worthy of a gallery.

There are probably people out there with those qualities but the brick fortress never opens enough to find out.

What scares me about BIG? Being vulnerable. Period. It means removing bricks. It's a tall order for me and will require one hell of a big ladder! It also means confronting the critic--both internal and the external. I'm also afraid of really being awful at this.  Dusty, can I call on you to protect me from the negativity?  Thanks my love.  Do you want a treat? I know you have an endless supply in heaven! :)

What excites me about BIG? New friends. A new experience with paint. A commitment that may be an everlasting one. A new me! A genuine me. More trusting and vulnerable. Less judgmental about myself.

What BIG things in my life have I done already? I have two wonderful kids who love me and make me so proud to be their mother. My two odd cats--Morgan, who was a stray wandering around my parents' home. He is the most loving cat who purrs loudly but cannot meow except when he's angry.  And Megan, the little misfit with no tail, that came home with us from Marketfest. After having her for a month, she had a severe seizure and went blind. She continued to have short seizures...until Dusty came into our lives. Now, she rarely has one. You are such a great healer to all of us. I hope you know how much magic you brought into our home.

I left a physically abusive relationship. While that may be over for me, it has left scars which are many stories tall on that fortress. Another few stories of bricks contain relationships that were not happy either.

I have a good daytime job. I'm respected and actually I'm pretty confident in my abilities. I don't know why I tend to be two different people in my life. Is it the repetition of the daily work or am I able to leave that critic at the door each morning?

What BIG things do I dream of doing?  Seeing my kids be successful in whatever they choose to do that makes them happy.  Retiring in Arizona...snow free of course...picturing a double-wide trailer, a piece of dirt to put it on and a big ol' cactus in the yard. More immediate is to see where Connie and BIG will take me in my art and me as a person.  Live BIG!"

Now...off to fix this face.  Mascara dried to my cheeks is not what I had in mind this morning!  Thanks Connie for creating this journey.  And thanks to anyone else who has read this all the way to the end!